Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
You Might Also Like
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now