Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
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My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me trying to reach for my goals
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Do not levitate over flowers
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?