It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
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According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Phones down.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.