Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
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told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840