Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
called in thicc to work this morning
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.