everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.