The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
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Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions