[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
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My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
man: wait
time: no
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*