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random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I saw this ending much differently.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
mathematically impossible
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵