Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
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i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.