Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
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Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
The Book. The Movie.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.