Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
You Might Also Like
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
#Caturday
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.