Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
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Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Brands during Pride
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves