friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
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first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
listen closely
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”