I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
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Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.