My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
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I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*