So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I’m already scared
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.