The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
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SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.