I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
You Might Also Like
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.