my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
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Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
girls literally only want one thing..
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M