At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
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Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
LMAO.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
When you’re Kinky but poor
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Who did it better?
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*