When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
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me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.