Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
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*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.