I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
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Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.