FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
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Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
A French press is when you hug naked
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*