Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.