Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
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[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet