My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
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If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
My blood type is coffee.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.