All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
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Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix