I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Best spot.. 😅
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.