Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
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They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Ken is short for chicken
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!