It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
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You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Lmao
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
*me flirting
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.