If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
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making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY