I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
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Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
absolute chaos
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.