me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
May your day taste like creamy soup.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.