This a good idea
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You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee