To the max.. 😂
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A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Hmmmmm
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.