friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I just tested negative for patience.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁