date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
You Might Also Like
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Namaste
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.