“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
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Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
bro what is going on at twitter
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.