[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
You Might Also Like
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
me logging onto twitter
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis