This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
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Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
this is uni
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.