The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…