I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My dog learned how to text
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan