If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
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me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.