[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight