@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
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Good morning.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
we’re dead?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out