which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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Attacked by a mop.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..