My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.