Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
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Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.